Menu

self-improvement

impostor syndrome

Overcoming “Impostor Syndrome” (part 2)

, , ,

impostor syndrome

In our previous post, we introduced you to the concept of impostor syndrome—that nagging sense, shared by as many as 70 percent of us, that we are secretly a fraud on the verge of being found out. People suffering from impostor syndrome struggle with crippling self-doubt, discount their own abilities and attribute their successes to pure luck. They also live with a fear that one day any successes they’ve achieved will evaporate when people figure out the truth.

Sound familiar?

So now that we’ve identified this feeling and called it by its name—what can we do to overcome it?

The answer is deceptively simple, and author, speaker and impostor syndrome expert Valerie Young puts it quite well:

“The only way to stop feeling like an impostor is to stop thinking like an impostor.”

Really, that’s all there is to it! Easy, right? Actually, it’s easier said than done. Most of us have spent a lifetime developing thought patterns around our self-doubt, and it does take a bit of time and discipline to begin reframing the conversation in our own minds. So let’s explore a few tips to help you change your thinking.

Remember you’re not alone in your feelings.

This was the entire point of part 1, especially when we quoted successful people from Maya Angelou to David Bowie, all admitting they felt like frauds. Seventy percent of the population feels this way—we can’t all be right about it!

Realize that the esteem of others is a matter of context.

From a certain perspective, it makes sense that we feel undeserving of our own successes or the esteem of others. We tend to view everyone else as the expert in their field; we see other people as extraordinary and we put them on a pedestal. But we have a hard time putting ourselves on the pedestal, or seeing ourself as the expert, because we don’t feel particularly extraordinary; we just feel like us. We live with ourselves and our skill sets every day, so to us they’re not extraordinary at all. But that doesn’t mean our skills, talents and qualities aren’t helpful, useful or beneficial to others around us.

There’s a tongue-in-cheek saying: “The definition of an expert is someone who comes from more than 30 miles away.” There’s a hint of truth to that. We always see the other person as more qualified and more deserving because of the distance between us. We aren’t in their skin listening to their self-doubts. We only hear our own.

Begin accepting your successes.

If you land a job or promotion you feel you didn’t deserve—or if people start referring to you as the expert in the room—give them a little credit. Your boss must have seen something good in you, or you wouldn’t have been offered that opportunity. Others must be finding some value in what you say or do, or they wouldn’t ask you to come speak at their next event. Try viewing the situation from the other angle: If you believe they’re wrong about you, you’re basically insulting their intelligence. Don’t take things to the other extreme—humility is a virtue, after all—but be willing to accept that it’s not all luck or smoke-and-mirrors. You might actually have had something to do with whatever success you’ve achieved so far.

Keep a file of compliments and accolades.

Our minds tend to lean negative naturally. We have no trouble remembering the one guy who said something snarky to us online about what a poor job we did—yet we’ll forget the dozens of other times people thanked us for a job well done. We’ll let one dissatisfied client ruin our week and totally disregard our 30 other happy clients. To help restore your perspective, open up a file and drop in a copy of every compliment you receive, every thank-you note, every bit of positive feedback. Refer back to it every time impostor syndrome starts rearing its ugly head. You’ll be reminded that the positives almost always outweigh the negatives by a wide margin.

Turn your focus toward others.

When we start focusing on our self-doubt, it creates a negative feedback loop that causes us to focus inward. It’s actually a sideways form of self-importance, even though it may not feel that way in the moment. If we let it go too far, we’ll begin to withdraw, we’ll skip the job interview, we’ll decline invitations. We’ll stop contributing to the world around us. One great way for you to break this feedback loop is to start focusing purposefully on what you can do to serve others. How can you provide more value to the company or your clients? Where can you volunteer your time? What can you do to give back? Focusing on the needs of others gets you of your own head and back into the real world where you can make a positive difference.

And really, that’s the true payoff of overcoming impostor syndrome: Realizing it’s not all about us. In fact, when we allow these feelings of inferiority to control us, we begin to rob the world of our gifts. By reframing your thinking to realize you really do bring value—that your successes are more earned that you give yourself credit for—you’re not giving in to conceit. You’re allowing yourself to be present in the world again, to bless others with the gifts you’ve been given.

The way to stop feeling like an impostor is to stop thinking like one. It’s not just about accepting credit for what you’ve done; it’s also about giving others credit for what they see in you. More importantly, it’s about staying present in a world that genuinely needs what you have to offer.

empty conference room

Holiday Weekends and “Down Times”—Maximizing Your Job Search When Employers Aren’t Paying Attention

, ,

empty conference room

When you’re gainfully employed, the long holiday weekends around Memorial Day and Labor Day are a breath of fresh air. When you’re trying to conduct a job search, however, these long weekends might feel more like an annoyance—even a hindrance. You are highly motivated to go on interviews, you’re chasing down job leads left and right, but no one in those offices is interested in having those conversations right now. “Let’s set something up after Labor Day,” they tell you casually—two weeks before the end of August.

Grrr.

You can’t really blame them. It’s a natural impulse for employers to wind down certain office activities in advance of a holiday weekend, mainly because they don’t want the holiday to interrupt the flow of a project. This time of year can be particularly challenging for job seekers because many people take their summer vacations in late July or August, and they typically don’t start focusing on work again in earnest until after Labor Day weekend. It’s just part of the natural ebb and flow of the work cycle. Of course, you don’t share their cavalier approach to work because being unemployed, you have a sense of urgency that these companies just don’t have right now.

Here’s the good news: Despite how it might feel right now, you’re not at the mercy of these potential employers, nor do you need to just sit around and wait for them to get interested in your resume. Here are some practical ways for you to redeem the “down time.”

Organize Your Leads

When you’re busy pounding the pavement, so to speak, it’s easy to forget whom you called, when you called them and what you said. Take advantage of this time by recalling those previous conversations and getting clear in your mind where you are in the application process. If you haven’t done so already, consider setting up a spreadsheet listing companies where you’ve applied or plan to apply, making note of whom you’ve spoken with at those firms and where they are in the consideration process.

Lay Your Plans

Another good use of your time right now is to scour the Internet for additional job openings—places where you haven’t yet applied for work who are looking for someone with your skills. As slow as the summer months can be, the fall can be an excellent time to kick your job search into high gear. Add these to your spreadsheet, update your resume and make a schedule so you can hit the ground running by reaching out as soon as people are back in the office.

Update Your Skill Set

Are there any new technologies or software programs you need to learn in association with your skill set? Any credentials or certifications that need updating? Now is the time to brush up on any possible gaps in your career training. Do some online study or borrow some books from the library if need be. Just take some time to make sure you’re ready for any exams you might need to take after the holiday weekend, or that you’re at least familiar with any software you might need to know when you land your next position.

Take a Break

Admittedly, if you’ve been out of work for more than a few weeks, you might not particularly feel like taking a long weekend for yourself and the family. But considering how hard you’ve been working on the job hunt, you need the down time as much as the next person. (Remember, a job search is work—it’s just not paid work yet.) Once you’ve made your preparations, take time for yourself. Give yourself permission to relax. Those job leads will be waiting for you after Labor Day, and you’ll be refreshed and ready to tackle them.

Besides…if your efforts are to be successful, you need to rest up now. You’ll soon be busier than you know. Want some extra support in landing your dream job or career? “Fill out the Get In Touch” form on the right for a FREE 30-minute consultation with me.

 

thoughtful woman

Identifying and Overcoming Your Self-Limiting Beliefs (part 2)

, , , ,

In our previous post, we discussed the idea of self-limiting beliefs—negative things we come to believe about ourselves that can cap, squelch or even sabotage our own success—both in our careers and in our personal lives. (If you’re just joining us, please read the last post to come up to speed.) We need to address these self-limiting beliefs because we act on what we believe. If you believe you won’t succeed, you won’t—and not only that, but if that belief is exceptionally strong, you’ll even subconsciously throw roadblocks in your own way to thwart your own success.

In the last post, I also asked you to come up with a list identifying some of your own self-limiting beliefs. Let’s now explore how we can methodically challenge and potentially reverse these beliefs. You can find self-help books addressing this topic in detail, and they each tend to use their own terminologies—but taken together, most of them boil the process down to the four or five similar steps. My own summary of the process is below.

 

1. Identify the belief.

You’ve hopefully already completed this step in the previous post by making your list. If not, I encourage you to stop here and do so.

 

2. Examine the belief.

Try to think back to when you first began to believe this negative thing about yourself. The journey backwards may go all the way back to a moment in childhood. What happened? What were the circumstances that led to that belief? What has happened since that reinforced that belief for you? Put the belief into context.\

 

3. Challenge the belief.

In virtually every case, self-limiting beliefs are false. They’re built upon some incorrect assumption that your mind has glorified to become gospel truth. When that kid told you that you were ugly at age 8, for example, it wasn’t true. He said that to feel better about his own brokenness, and it really had nothing to do with you. Despite every bit of evidence you’ve accumulated in your own mind to confirm that self-limiting belief, there’s plenty of other evidence that it’s not true that you’ve conveniently forgotten. Start scanning your past for that missing evidence. Look back in your memory at the starting point of that belief. What false assumptions did you assume were true back then? Recall moments from your own experience that actually fly in the face of that belief. For example, if you believe nothing will work out for you, try to recall several instances where something did work for you, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. If that belief isn’t true all the time, it isn’t true at all. Statistically speaking, I guarantee you that you’ve got stuff in your history that demonstrates that belief of yours is not true all the time. Dig into your past and find those moments, then use those instances to challenge your own existing belief.

 

4. Reverse/replace the belief.

Once you’ve identified the lie, it’s time to replace it with the truth. Just as you identified the self-limiting belief and put it in sentence form, create a new sentence or two that identifies the new belief. You may not be ready for a complete reversal yet—if so, just open the door for change. It may be as simple as changing one or two words from your original statement. If your self-limiting belief is “I’ll never be good enough,” for example, you might not be ready for “I’m damn straight good enough.” However, you are now probably ready to accept “I’m not good enough yet.” At least this opens the door for the possibility that you can become good enough, and it begins the reversal process. Eventually, you’ll be able to change it to “I am good enough.”

Other beliefs may be easier to reverse. For example, if you said, “Taking risks never works for me,” and you found some instances in your past where a risk actually paid off, that may be enough for you to eliminate that belief altogether. “Taking risks doesn’t work for me sometimes, but other times they do.” (In other words, you’ve got the same odds statistically as the next fellow. Bad luck doesn’t really follow you around.)

One more quick point: You may have to be intentional for a while in replacing that bad belief with a better one; after all, you’ve believed the wrong thing for some time. So make a point of purposefully reminding yourself of the new belief. Speak it out loud when you look in the mirror. Write it on a note card and put it by your computer. Remind yourself on purpose numerous times a day. It sounds cheesy, but it works.

 

5. Act on the new belief.

Now comes the hard part. (Oh, no, that other stuff wasn’t the hard part.) You must now purposely start acting like your new belief is true. Depending on how strong your limiting belief was, this may be akin to facing your greatest fear. But ultimately your success doesn’t come by believing alone—it comes by acting on what you believe. Start acting like you’re good-looking enough or smart enough when you get around people, no matter how self-conscious you may feel at the moment. Act with confidence at that job interview, even though you might not feel confident just yet. As things begin to work out in your favor—and they will, if you keep at it—this process will become less and less awkward as you begin to be more comfortable in these new, positive beliefs.

One last tip before we leave this topic: It’s okay to address your self-limiting beliefs one at a time. In fact, it’s probably not a good idea to tackle all of them at once. Try starting with the one belief that is either the most critical to your success or the one that you think will be easiest to reverse, and just get started. As you master one, pick another one on your list. Over time, you’ll begin to see your life changing for the better, your outlook will improve, you’ll experience more victories, you’ll land that job, you’ll start that business.

Whatever success looks like for you, it’s in your reach. The first step is to believe it.

thoughtful woman

Identifying and Overcoming Your Self-Limiting Beliefs (part 1)

, , ,

Have you ever known someone who always seems to come up just a little short of their goals? Have you ever observed someone who is deeply committed to accomplishing something, and they come right up to the point of success, only to have something go wrong at the finish line time and time again?

Maybe that’s exactly how you feel.

Life coaches see this pattern quite frequently—in fact, it’s one reason why a lot of people seek out a life coach. Career coaches like me use life coaching techniques to create a mindset of success for their clients—but that doesn’t mean it’s not challenging for some. Over and over, we watch people come up to the point of breakthrough, only to fall just short—to effectively snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Sometimes, it’s a subtle change of heart or a loss of confidence; other times, it’s outright self-sabotage.

Why?

I don’t want to dive too deeply into what we call “power of mind” here, but in a manner of speaking, that’s what we’re dealing with. These people I’m describing aren’t suffering from bad luck, or any luck at all. They’re biggest resistance is in their own minds—something we call self-limiting beliefs.

What Do We Mean by Self-Limiting Beliefs?

I’m not speculating here as to whether the mind has the power to alter physical reality, as some people believe mentalists can do. What I can say is that belief is a powerful thing, and when we believe something strongly enough, we begin to shape our own reality around that belief. We fulfill our own prophecies because we believe them.

In other words, if you believe you always get the short end of the stick…you’ll reinforce that belief every time makes you feel that way, and before long, that’s all you’ll see.

If you believe something you desire is too much for you, or that you somehow don’t deserve it, you’ll subconsciously do something to keep yourself from attaining it—no matter how much it hurts not to have it.

If you believe you can’t get the resources you need in order to succeed, you’ll remain stuck—not because you couldn’t actually get those resources, but your beliefs won’t allow you to try.

If you believe you don’t have what it takes to succeed in business…you’ll probably fail.

See what I mean? These are self-limiting beliefs—the things you believe about yourself that stop you from pushing past the threshold into something new. Even though you may desperately want the thing you don’t believe you can have.

What Beliefs Are Holding You Back?

I’d like to invite you to do a little exercise for yourself, though it might be a little difficult at first. Do a little soul-searching and try to identify some self-limiting beliefs that you may hold about yourself. They may have nothing to do with your career or your job—they probably have more to do with your desires as a person. So start there; try to jot down at least three or four negative things you believe about yourself (there may even be more). They might sound something like these:

  • I’ll never be ____ enough. (pretty, strong, smart, wealthy, etc.—fill in the blank with your own word)
  • I won’t find a soulmate.
  • I’ll never be able to afford to go back to school.
  • I can’t convince anyone that I’m good enough.
  • I don’t have enough talent to compete.
  • I don’t have enough confidence.
  • Taking risks never works for me.

Again, this won’t be an easy assignment, but trust me, it’ll get better. Make this list, set it aside, and in the next post we’ll revisit this list and talk about some ways you can overcome these self-limiting beliefs.